In the normal course of working with pregnant and birth women, it is inevitable that you will have a client lose a baby(ies). But unless you've personally lost a baby, you may feel at a loss in regard to helping them through this most difficult time.
First and foremost, every birth professional should carry in their bag a copy of "When Hello Means Goodbye," which is available through SHARE, an organization to help parents who are bereaved, whether from miscarriage, ectopic, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. (http://nationalshareoffice.com or 1-800-821-6819)
It would also be helpful if you kept a schedule of bereavement support groups in your area. In my area, SHARE is the more prominent organization. They hold monthly meeting open to all who have lost a baby, whether their own, a grandchild, or other close relationship.
Secondly, encourage the family to hold their baby when possible. It is heartbreaking, but it is the only chance that they will every have. When our son died, our parents didn't hold him because they didn't know if it would be all right. They will never get that chance again. Of course, the birth attendant should treat the baby with the same respect that would be shown to a live baby. Wrap the baby in blankets, hold him/her gently, and support the baby's head. This will encourage the family to hold and bond with their child. Even if the child didn't make it to term, encourage the family to name the child.
Encourage the family to take a couple of rolls of pictures of the baby. Pictures may include the baby wrapped in blankets, the baby unwrapped, any parts of the baby that are attractive (hands, feet, ears), the baby held by the mother and/or father, a picture of the baby's hand resting on the mother's and/or father's hand. Be sure that something in the pictures shows the size of the baby (a hand, a toy, a measuring tape). In our situation, our son was very tiny, but it doesn't show in the pictures.
Help the parents make final arrangements. Know the local cemeteries/crematorium. Some offer lower rates for babies. Be sure that the cemetery (if that is the choice) is well-kept and that the staff is respectful, not only immediately, but also down the road.
If possible, attend the funeral or memorial service.
Be sure that the parents are being supported by family, friends, a church group, or other social groups. If possible, call the parents' place of worship, La Leche League group, etc., to be sure that meals are being provided and help with housework and older children is available.
Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't judge or offer platitudes. Don't tell them that God needed another angel in Heaven. Call the baby by name. Let them cry. Cry with them. Let them know that their baby was important to you, too.
Talk to the father specifically. Don't ask him how his wife is doing. Ask him how he's doing. Hug him and let him know it's okay to be sad. Our society doesn't give him that freedom, so grant it to him at least in your presence.
Alison Haasch
Executive Director -- NaturalChildbirth.org
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