From early childhood I had been excruciatingly afraid of
people. I never experienced true intimacy. With the very
first birth I attended I found my need for intimacy met with
the birthing family. They needed me, they were totally
vulnerable, they responded with gratitude to me. I could
love them, give to them selflessly without fear of
rejection.
My relationships with these families lasted only a short
time. This was vital. An intimacy that begins and ends
quickly is not a demanding intimacy; it is perfect for those
who are afraid of rejection. While this element of midwifery
met my needs wonderfully, my family life suffered. I became
alienated from my husband and children.
When I discovered midwifery, I had been looking for
significance and purpose in my life, for a cause that
transcended the mundane. It was my false belief about the
nature of spirituality that caused me to make midwifery my
religion. To say midwifery is a calling and to tell myself I
was one of the "called ones" was a poor cure for my lack of
self worth. My level of significance and security depended
on numbers, my self worth depended on successful outcomes
(no transports and drug free births). Needless to say, poor
outcomes shook my universe terribly.
When my family, social, emotional and spiritual life finally
hit bottom after spiraling downhill for years, I began to
see what no one could tell me. At the same time, I met
another midwife who hit bottom the same way with the same
effects on her. Ironically, I met her before our
simultaneous collapse and thought, "Finally, here is another
midwife who is as dedicated as myself." Meeting her again at
the treatment center was like looking in the mirror.
-Carolyn Eustace in Life of a Midwife, a Midwifery Today
Book
Reprinted from Midwifery Today E-News (Vol 2 Issue 25 June 21, 2000)
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