NaturalChildbirth.org

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

I decided recently that I wanted to do a home birth and was talking on another messageboard about how my husband won't let me and the compromises we've reached. Alison is a member of that forum and suggested that I post a little about it here since there is a member here who has gone through something similar. If this mystery woman reads this post, I would love to talk to you to get helpful suggestions!

CFLhomeschooler · Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 579 Location: central Florida

It may be me....
My husband felt extremely uncomfortable with home birth. He's rather pessimistic and was filled with "what if"s. At the same time, he was pretty disgusted with the hospitals for lying to us and mismanaging us.

I convinced him to go to a free standing birth center and have an interview with the midwife. During the interview as he was telling her all his dislikes of the hospital, he pretty much convinced himself that the birth center was a good compromise between the hospital and home birth.
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Child of God my king, wife of a wonderful husband, and mother of 4!

Marital conflict is not husband vs. wife, but husband and wife vs. our common enemy.

Alison · Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 1072

I think this bears good discussion.

Ladies, what do we do when our partners aren't on board with what we want for our own birth. When my husband and I ran into this issue years ago, it made me really mad. "How dare he tell me what I can and can't do! *I'M* the one with a person coming out of me!!" We got through it, and in the end, things unintentionally turned out exactly as I had wanted from the beginning. But it became a real sticking point for us for a while. How have other people handled this?
_________________
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you mad."

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

CFLhomeschooler · Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 579 Location: central Florida

My DH had to go by baby steps. It took years of dropping information here and there and the experience of two hospital births. I think he felt more free and in control with the idea of just going for an interview and checking things out. When I was pregnant with my first we went to a different free standing birth center (no longer open) for an "open house" type session where several expectant parents came in for a presentation about natural birth and their facility. Unfortunately they harpped so strongly on how terrible hospital births are that Mr. Cynical rose to the surface and decided this place was trying to scare people out of hospital births. Then it took two hospital birth experiences for him to see that there was at least some merit to the benefits of birthing out of the hospital. Then we had to start slowly with just interviewing the midwife so that it was not making any kind of decision, change, or commitment that he wasn't ready to make. For years he spoke about the insanity of people "neglecting" to have the safety net of the hospital. It took two experiences at the hospital for him to see that they push you off into their safety net, and we wouldn't have needed it if we had been elsewhere.

One must consider, "What is the nature and temperament of my man?"

Some men are comfortable with the status quo and don't like change. Some men have such a strong drive to "protect" that they won't even consider what appears to be a risk. Some men feel the need to be the decision maker, and when his wife says, "I want to birth here instead", he'll dig in his heals simply because it wasn't his idea.
_________________
Child of God my king, wife of a wonderful husband, and mother of 4!

Marital conflict is not husband vs. wife, but husband and wife vs. our common enemy.

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

Are we married to the same man? Very Happy

Sounds like your hubby was as dead-set against the idea as mine currently is! I'm hopeful that this time in the hospital I will have the ideal birth for me. I wasn't horrified the first time around, but I don't like being pressured and talked into things. This will be our second and last child, so I guess I'll never know if he would have compromised for the third. We'll see, I guess.

CFLhomeschooler · Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 579 Location: central Florida

So my hubby is not the only one of his kind?! I'm so sorry! Very Happy

If it helps, one of the things I did manage to get him to agree to for our second hospital birth was for him to be educated on natural birth, the dangerous side effects of medical interventions, breastfeeding, and jaundice - followed by the assurance the he would advocate those things for me. It was necessary for him to be educated in order for him to be able to discern if the hospital staff was lying to him or not. (Yes, they lie to get you to follow their procedures.) For example: When a baby shows signs of low blood sugar most hospital procedures are to draw blood from the baby for testing, then supplement formula if it comes back low --- the truth: There is glucose in colostrum, so no matter what the blood sugar is the baby should nurse right away, and you can waive the blood test.

Oh, and my DH is dead-set against anything he hasn't made the decision to be for.
_________________
Child of God my king, wife of a wonderful husband, and mother of 4!

Marital conflict is not husband vs. wife, but husband and wife vs. our common enemy.

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

I really wasn't anticipating this much resistance from my husband when I brought it up. I knew he would need to think about it - but he won't even consider it.

(This next part may seem like a silly comparison at first, but stay with me.) My husband grew up on a dairy farm and knows all about birthing calves and milk production and has personally pushed the uterus back into a mother cow, given sutures, etc. He's seen first-hand what can go wrong with a birth and has watched many healthy cows die while giving birth. I tried pointing out that he grew up with Holsteins which were bred for milk-production and are notorious for having difficult deliveries. I pointed out that he probably couldn't name the last time they found one of the beef cows dead in the field due to calving. I then pointed out that due to my beautiful "birthing hips" that God gave me and my sturdy, healthy body, that he needs to see me as a beef cow instead of a holstein. Laughing

He's supportive of me declining the epidural, but from there, he wants the doctor to call the shots. He's terrified of something happening (and I totally understand his concern) but I feel that I'm low risk since I've already completed one very healthy pregnancy and have had great pre-natal care this time around as well.

My first was a great little nurser and I only had minor problems and my husband was actually the best source of information on the subject. (Due to his dairy farm background. Weird. I know!)

All that to say, I do see why he so's scared. I just wish he'd put a little more faith in my body and a little less in the knowledge of an OB.

Alison · Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 1072

Perhaps he would be willing to read stuff from doctors? Dr William Sears has a whole series of books, one of the being "The Birth Book," which discusses birth and it's normalcy, but from the perspective of a doctor. His wife did have a home birth or two, but he only agreed to it because he is himself a doctor and felt he could handle most things. His book discusses birth, with hospital birth presented as the norm for most women, and when certain interventions may be appropriate and when they're not.

It's a bit more mainstream than my tastes run, but still a very good book. Also "Husband-Coached Childbirth" would probably be right up his alley. Written by an OB (who very much did not believe in homebirth), it explains unmedicated birth very well and the husband's role in helping that happen.
_________________
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you mad."

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

Is Dr. William Sears related to the Dr. Sears that wrote the book about vaccines? (I think the other guy's first name is Robert.) Do they happen to BOTH be related to the Dr. James Sears that appears on the t.v. show The Doctors? I know he has a father and a brother who are both doctors and I think those may be their first names. I really like the Dr. Sears from the t.v. show and my husband might actually read the book if he thinks it's a more neutral source for information.

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

Lindsey · Joined: 17 Nov 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Virginia

I just researched The Vaccine Book, by Robert Sears and The Birth Book, by William Sears. They ARE both related to Dr. James Sears from The Doctors television show. Robert is his brother and William is their father. My husband and I have watched The Doctors together when the topic is of interest to us and we both really like James Sears. I'm going to try to find the books tomorrow and read them over the weekend. I'm going to pack the Birth Book in his lunch on Tuesday (he's off Monday) so we can discuss it.

I heard back from the hospital where I'm giving birth about their routine care of newborns and my mind is a little more at ease. They assured me I could call all of the shots and they would respect what I wanted. (I actually believed her - I kind of thought they would say what I wanted to hear, but she answered ALL of my questions very patiently and thoroughly.)

CFLhomeschooler · Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 579 Location: central Florida

Can I make a confession about hospitals and newborn care?

When I had my first two in the hospital they would weigh the dirty diapers to make sure my baby was peeing enough....... I would squirt a little water into the diapers if I thought they were a little dry! Laughing

_________________
Child of God my king, wife of a wonderful husband, and mother of 4!

Marital conflict is not husband vs. wife, but husband and wife vs. our common enemy.

Alison · Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 1072

The Sears family is fairly large and a number of them are medical professionals. They are awesome! The elder Dr. Sears has such a level head about medicine in general. Apparently, his sons learned that from him.
_________________
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you mad."

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

sassysas · Joined: 03 Nov 2008 Posts: 9 Location: South West, UK

Hi Ladies

I have also been considering a homebirth and mentioned it to my husband last night. He was surprisingly unsupportive and pretty much made up HIS mind that we are not having our frist child at home.
I was so angry with him for saying this, and I dont know where to go from here, I feel like I need to convince him, but I dont know how to go about it.
I think the best place to start will have to be buying these books that you have mentioned to make sure that we have as much knowledge as possible. But Im worried that this might not be enough.
Feeling so frustrated and let down Crying or Very sad

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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Julie · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 26

Alison · Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 1072

I was initially referring to CFLhomeschooler, but it does seem to be a common theme for many of us.

I'm torn on the issue. On the one hand, I don't feel that a husband has the right to tell his wife what she can and can't do while laboring/birthing. They have no frame of reference and can't know how it feels. One the other hand, I do think that a *father* has a right to have a voice in how his child is born.

I found that Bradley method classes were invaluable in convincing my husband of the absurdity of hospital protocols. If you can get your husband into a Bradley method class, which are designed for the education of both parents, he can listen to the issues one at a time and how they are safely handled outside of the hospital. I think equally as valuable is the fact that many classes are taught by husband/wife teaching teams, so that the husbands can learn these things from another man. For some wierd reason, men accept information like this better from other men. They are not classes geared specifically for homebirth, but when it comes to them understanding the best way to protect their wife from harm that can come with protocols, it does seem like an obvious answer.
_________________
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you mad."

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

Julie · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 26

cbgw · Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 77

CFLhomeschooler · Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 579 Location: central Florida

cbgw makes a good point. Alison stated that her husband was not on board with unassisted home birth, but births 4 and 5 panned out that way. Alison may have been glad it turned out that way, but how would Robert describe those two births at which he caught his babies? Yes I do think that we as the the ones giving birth should have a big say in how we give birth, but our DH's are a part of it as well. I remember how disheartened I was when my husband was dead set against birthing outside of the hospital. But now here it is almost 8 years later.... Abi and Josh are healthy and well and my marriage of almost 10 years is sweeter than ever. God says in His Word that He works everything together for those who love Him. God used those first two births to teach and prepare my husband to have births 3 and 4 at the birthing center. Those two births were not as cut and dry as my first two and I was so glad to not be at the hospital. God knew that was going to happen (Nothing ever surprises Him) and He put the right people and the right information in our path at the right times to move my husband away from hospital births. You can use this time to pray for your husband and your marriage. God may change his heart,,,,, He may change your heart. It seems to always hold true that one should put marital decisions above childcare decisions (except in cases of abuse and neglect of course). Birth is so psychological that there is very true benefit to be at a spiritual and emotional state of peace and joy going into the birth experience.
Well, this is getting long, and I think I'm starting to babble. Hope all works out for you as life goes along.
_________________
Child of God my king, wife of a wonderful husband, and mother of 4!

Marital conflict is not husband vs. wife, but husband and wife vs. our common enemy.

jwynn712 · Joined: 13 Dec 2005 Posts: 211 Location: West Virginia

Alison · Joined: 04 Aug 2005 Posts: 1072

Robert would describe those births as extremely stressful, I believe. He did not have a good time catching the babies. When Zacky came along, The midwives suggested to him that he catch the baby, and Robert said, "No thanks, I'm good, that's why you're here." With Pam and Sue with me taking care of the business end of things, my husband was free to sit by my head and rub my shoulders and neck and encourage me. He wasn't remotely relaxed, but he was in the best place for him for that time. I don't want to send him to therapy over traumatic stress just so I get the birth I want.

Anyway...I'm starting to ramble myself and I have work to do.
_________________
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you mad."

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

jwynn712 · Joined: 13 Dec 2005 Posts: 211 Location: West Virginia

My husband is the same way. At all three of my homebirths he did not catch the baby. My preferred method of birthing is squatting. So hubby sat on toilet and held me up while I gave birth. He felt more involved in the process and in control than by catching the baby.
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~Jodi

Namaste2010 · Joined: 09 Jun 2009 Posts: 7 Location: Toronto, Ontario

Wow, I am so grateful for this forum! I thought my husband was the ONLY one that was being so stubborn about this whole thing! For me it's not a home birth as I'm happy to go to a hospital as long as I'm in the care of a midwife (in Canada we get to pick one or the other), but DH really wants me to be at the best hospital and he doesn't like the ones where the midwives I could be with work (one is quite far, 20-30 min drive, the other he is not comfortable with for some reason). What we've both done is talked out our reasons for wanting things one way or the other. We're both trying to keep as open a mind as possible, me with the possibility that I may ike the OB and feel that she would be truly supportive of a natural birth, and I can always get a doula for emotional support, and him that the midwife route might be worth not getting his first choice in hospital. We have meetings with 2 midwives and an OB, and we'll see how it goes...

I'm seeing that disagreements over the kids will be a natural part of life from now on, and it is so important that we are open and honest with one another and try to see the others' point of view. Compromise is key to a great marriage, as is staying true to what is truly important to you, so what a difficult balance this is... I'm looking forward to finding out what the most suitable choice will be for this birth and for both of us, and find comfort in surrendering it all to my Higher Power. The Universe has a beautiful plan for us, and if we just focus on what we desire (a natural, peaceful and beautiful pregnancy and birth, a great relationship with my husband), God will always show us the way to get there.

Lots of love,
Paula